Futures

Well, there's a certain conversation it seems I've had too many times lately. It goes something like this.

Someone: "So, what do you want to do for a career someday?"
Me: "Well, I'm thinking about going into film. I'd love to be a director."
Someone: "Ohhhh, well. [slight pause] Cool. [insert blank stare, laugh, or awkward silence]"
Me: "...Or maybe I'll just be a teacher..."
Someone: "[awkward silence suddenly over] Oh, that would be cool! What age group would you teach? Etc, etc."

People really don't seem to know what to make of me when I pull out the director thing. I don't know if it's because film directing is usually a male job, if it's because everyone under the age of 18 seems to want to work in film, if I just don't seem like the type, or if film directing isn't the traditional "Christian homeschooler" thing to do (although this last one is becoming more and more obsolete as hoards of homeschoolers are picking up cameras across the country). Whatever the reason, it's starting to get on my nerves. Why is it ok for me to want to be a nurse or a teacher but downright strange for me to want to direct films? Of course, not everyone responds negatively to me...my parents are supportive and encouraging, my Bible study teacher often prefaces her weekly phone calls with "Is this Stephen Spielberg speaking?", and some film people in the area are generously helping me out in any way possible. But I have to admit--sometimes those blank stares hurt a little bit...and sometimes I start to doubt myself.

So why do I want to be a movie director? Lots of kids want to be movie directors...what's my reason? When people pull this question on me, I often stammer a bit. It's really hard to explain. But that's the point of this post; I thought I'd give a try at articulating my reasons in writing.

To open my explanation: on a recent vacation to Yellowstone National Park I was reminded of what brought film directing into my head in the first place. If you've ever been to Yellowstone, you know that bears are a very real presence up there. Not only do they wander the forest, but the tourist gift shops are laden with books bearing encouraging titles like "Mark of the Grizzly". My brother actually read one of these books and was recounting some of the bear attack stories to us as we were driving around in the park. I just sat there, becoming more and more inwardly agitated with these gruesome tales, until I finally begged him to stop talking about it. My family, naturally, tried to encourage me by saying not to worry; we were safe in the car and no bears were going to attack us. But it was for no reason as logical as this that I was afraid of those stories. It was because they were coming alive in my head--every gory detail of them. I could see and hear and feel them in a very real sense. No...I wasn't going insane. I just have what might commonly be called a vivid imagination. Only sometimes a lot more vivid than I would like.

Visualizing things like this is not at all uncommon for me--the Yellowstone incident just reminded me of it. And when those visualizations are a little more pleasant than bear attacks, they are often followed with the strong desire to release them, to share them. I can see how a certain Bible story might have looked, for example, down to the person's features and their emotions and the lighting and all the sights and sounds. And I want to share it. Problem is: even my family gives me blank stares when I start pounding the sofa cushion in frustration because I cannot then and there make the story of Jonah (for example) into a movie... These are the times I like to tell myself that someday I will direct movies and bring all this stuff to life.

I don't remember where I first heard this question, but it set me thinking: "If you found out that you had only six months to live, what would you do in that time (assuming you had unlimited resources)?" There are certainly some personally important things I would do (spending time with family, etc.), but one of the first things that popped into my head was..."I'd start making a movie, of course!" It startled even me how important this seemed. I had no idea how firmly I was holding on to the idea of making movies someday.

Maybe it's more practical to become something like a teacher. Maybe I don't have a chance of standing out in a generation of technology-savvy, creative, aspiring filmmakers. Maybe I don't have the leadership or social skills. Maybe. But I think that someday, as a teacher or something of that line, I would have to look back at everything inside of me--all the people, places, sights, sounds, and truths--and regret, very deeply, that I never got to express them.

So that's that. Not very well expressed, but very much something that has been on my heart. Sometimes I get frustrated because the equipment is difficult to learn, things don't turn out the way I wanted, and I have trouble staying motivated. And sometimes I struggle with figuring out what God's will for my future really is. However, I truly believe that God has given me the gifts I have for a reason and that he will make that reason clear someday.